Junior Turnipshine

Junior Turnipshine is a karaoke champion, deer hunter, and self-proclaimed “investigative patriot.” Reporting live from the barstool at the Neon Moon, he’s got a sharp eye for government weirdness, small-town drama, and unexplained possum activity. When he’s not writing, he’s probably four-wheelin’ through a cornfield or quoting Tupac to his dog, Liberty Bell.

Junior’s journalism career began accidentally when he live-tweeted a zoning meeting while simultaneously deep-frying Oreos. The thread went viral in three counties and was later used as evidence in a lawsuit involving a rogue petting zoo and a suspiciously aggressive goat named Gary. Since then, Junior’s been chasing stories harder than his cousin Ricky chasing a loose cow down Highway 6.

He wears camo to council meetings, not because he’s trying to blend in, but because he “likes to keep ‘em guessing.” He once grilled the mayor about a mysterious municipal fog machine budget line item while holding a bratwurst like a microphone. Junior believes the raccoons in his neighborhood are working for the Department of Transportation and maintains an elaborate corkboard chart in his shed that connects potholes, bingo halls, and satellite dishes.

Junior’s journalistic process is unconventional. He dictates his notes into a walkie-talkie that may or may not be connected to anything. His favorite writing snack is pickled eggs and jalapeño Cheetos, and he insists they improve “narrative flow.” He believes in transparency, especially if it involves putting local officials on blast mid-karaoke set during his rendition of “Friends in Low Places.”

Though some say his theories are outlandish (such as the one where a tractor is secretly a surveillance drone shaped like a John Deere), many of Junior’s scoops have proven surprisingly accurate. He once predicted a county-wide chicken heist three days before it happened — citing “a disturbance in the coop force.”

He’s currently working on a multipart exposé called Possum Protocols: Secrets of the Trash Bag Elite, and his dream is to win a Pulitzer or at least get a shoutout in the Tractor Supply monthly newsletter.

Junior Turnipshine: truth-teller, tire-spinning truth seeker, and the only man to get banned from both the town hall and the Waffle House for unrelated incidents in the same week.